The Kebab Prophecy of the Eye-Guy

During a bout of intense fever a few years back, brought on by a kebab I bought second-hand on the street, I encountered a being from another dimension. I know him only as “The Eye-Guy”. It was the middle of August and it had been hot and dry for days. I know that a sunny August, coupled with the fact that I live in the UK, makes this story immediately unbelievable but please, what possible reason could I have for making it up? While lying in bed feeling alternately ice-cold and melted-cheese-hot I passed into and out of sleep unable to tell the difference between the two - a feeling akin to watching T4 F.R.I.E.N.D.S Marathons on a Saturday. And then, in the midst of this stupor I experienced a vision that affected me profoundly. Something that, I believe, has such importance that it is my duty to share it with the world.

I stood in a dimly lit bar while a band in another room played soft jazz, the sound muffled by the walls and by clouds of languid cigarette smoke. There may have been eyes glowing in the shadows, bodies slumped over tables in the fug, but I could make out only one definite occupant. He was sat at the bar on a stool facing away from me, casually sipping a drink and eating peanuts from a glass dish. He was covered by a tight and wrinkled grey suit, a green-and-brown striped tie and coils of white smoke from a cigarette that rested in an ashtray at his elbow. His head was grotesquely large - giant, bottle-green and covered with a startling array of different sized staring eyes. Eyes that rolled and blinked like the Broadcasting Standards Agency switchboard after a repeat of Dragon's Den has mistakenly been shown instead of Rastamouse - the nation's children scarred by Evan Davies' monstrous features.

I sat on the stool next to the multi-eyed abomination and waited for him to talk. And then I got bored of waiting and asked: 
   “Who are you?” He continued to stare at the rows of spirits behind the bar. I paused for too long and asked, "... and just what in Christmas is going on here?" 

   “I have a message for you kid.” He turned his head and narrowed each of his many eyes. “It's kind of important.”

   “What is it?”

   “It concerns the future of humanity.”

   “What is it?” I asked again with more excitement.

   “An epic struggle between light and dark.” He took a drag on his cigarette and blew out a thick plume, he spoke with a tired air that suggested he'd already said every word many times before. “An event of such importance, it will be your duty to share it with the world.” He sighed and took a sip of his drink. I noticed that the glass dish he ate from was not filled with peanuts, but with dried woodlice. “The Man of Sin walks among you. And he has already begun his dance.”

   “Wow. Really?”

   “Yep.” He nodded. “Really. And he must be stopped.”

   “Jimminy-cricketts! How will I recognise him?” I asked.

   “He will be the first face you see when you return to your waking life. Let me get you a drink.” He signalled with an elongated celadon finger to a barman I could not see in the shadows.  There was a glass before me filled with deep crimson blood and, as I stared, an eyeball bobbed to the surface. It rolled over to stare with a faded azure pupil, then all was consumed by flames.

My screams dragged me back to the real world. I don't remember turning on the TV but the fever had been playing Boggle with my brain. Countdown was just coming to a commercial break and I stared into the tiny gleaming black eyes of Des Lynam. He remained silent for an interminably long time, and then:

    “And so, as we head into our first commercial break – the Antichrist and his minions will bring about the end of the world." He paused and blinked, his moustache twitched. "Are you one of his helpers?” The Teatime Teaser tiles floated into place on the screen to read “ASISTANT”. I didn't need to wait for the reveal of “SATANIST”. I clutched the bed-clothes in horror and, overcome, passed back into sleep - this time it was dreamless. When I awoke the TV was no longer on and it was raining heavily.

Going forward, I think it might be a good idea to write these blog entries in advance of the Tuesday deadline.

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